Breast Cancer Warrior: Breaking Point

What's your breaking point? I feel like this is a question that has been explored a lot recently with COVID-19 taking over our daily lives and creating a lot of uncertainty about our health, finances, and future. This upheaval stretches and stresses us beyond what we think we can handle.

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When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I found that my breaking point was a question I thought about a lot. Would I be able to handle treatment? Then, as I got to thinking about it a bit more, I realized that I didn't really have an alternative: I would have to go through treatment if I wanted to survive cancer. It wasn't really a choice. I realized, though, that there are a lot of places where we can gain strength even as we approach our own breaking points. We don't have to do anything alone.

Now, there are plenty of reasons to break down. I like to rant sometimes because I think it can help, so here's my rant: I HATE CHEMO!!!! (Yes, I do need all those exclamation points.) I started chemotherapy only two weeks after my son was born; postpartum check-ups to resume normal activity don't even happen that early, so I feel like I totally drew the short straw there. Cancer is a thief in many ways, including stealing my energy and freedom. I spent a lot of time in my house in January and February thinking to protect myself (and Corey) from the flu, just to find a new and worse virus circulating the world as it starts to warm up: cue extreme cabin fever. I feel extra trapped during the stay at home order because of my compromised immune system, and now I get anxious thinking about going places when I normally, weirdly, actually enjoyed running errands. Chemo only gets harder as I battle through each round. And those side effects-- everything tastes like chlorine to me right now, my eyes and skin are as dry as a desert, and I feel sore and sick and tired. Last week, I took a short drive because I needed at least a mini change of scenery; I decided to scream as loud as I could to let the frustration out, but it just made my sore throat hurt worse. BLEH!!

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There. Rant over. Whew. So, I've had an extra tough year, and it's only April, but I've been thinking about how we keep going despite the tough times. Embrace your own rants. Whine about everything that went wrong this year and scream out the car window. I'm no expert, but I feel like it's good for you. Then, shake it off and make a plan of action. Realize this moment is not forever, and that we can look back and, maybe not laugh, but at least sigh and say, Thank God that's over! And probably cry.

Your "plan of action" can be actual physical action that you take, or, what's been tougher for me to accept, non-action. Sometimes you just need to rest and rely on everybody else for a bit. Some of my best supports in this time have been friends and family sending letters and food and other thoughtful items, keeping me in their prayers, simply calling or messaging more, and letting me know that they're behind me. Somehow it makes me feel stronger than I really am. Instead of a being an average-sized woman, I feel more like the Hulk when I walk into the clinic. It's cheesy, yes, and you know I'm gonna find a Hulk dancing gif to put in here now. There we go:

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Knowing I've got my team behind me makes me feel stronger. I'm notorious for wanting to do everything myself and for taking on too much, but cancer treatment isn't something you can take on along with a ton of other baggage. You'll get burned out. There's that breaking point again. So as cliché as it sounds, I'm learning to let go and rely more on others. If you're like me at all, or if you're just feeling stressed from all the chaos in our world right now, I hope that can help you, too. Maybe you can picture yourself as a superhero, too, if it helps. On the days where I feel small or weak, I can imagine Hulk Sarah strutting into Outpatient Services, slurping up a Docetaxel cocktail and smashing the IV stand while roaring in victory. Or, you know, just calmly and quietly doing my chemo like a normal human while being tough on the inside. 😉

Breast Cancer Warrior: My Chemo Playlist

Before I went in for my 4th round of chemotherapy early last week, I'd learned that I wouldn't be able to have any visitors due to new coronavirus restrictions. I met friends and family via Zoom, which was so helpful, but I also came prepared with my chemo playlist to help distract me.

Each song has its reason for being on here, which I've noted below. I have a tendency toward alternative and punk rock, and it's been that way for as long as I can remember.

1. This is how I feel some days during or shortly after chemo: Green Day: "Brain Stew".

2. This is how I feel some other days (usually right before another round): Florence & The Machine: “Dog Days Are Over” This song is also on here because Florence Welch is a cool ginger, like myself. ;)

3. The Lumineers: “Big Parade” is on the list because I was supposed to go see them in concert with one of my sisters as a celebration of getting halfway through chemo in mid-March. Unfortunately, COVID-19 crushed those dreams, and I had to celebrate small (i.e. my favorite beer and a new show on Netflix).

Since I was daydreaming of concerts I'd like to attend, I did get to see these two bands in person last fall: 4. Black Keys: “Gold on the Ceiling” and 5. Modest Mouse: “Dashboard”. Both of these songs rocked at the concert, so they made my list.

6. This video includes joyful dancing and somewhat psychedelic colors, and I always find the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' music oddly soothing: “Turn Into”.

7. This one sums up how I'll probably feel when I'm done with treatment: Imagine Dragons: "On Top of the World". I also put 8. "Thunder" here because it's my kids' favorite song and brings to mind their crazy dance moves.  

9. "We Will Become Silhouettes" by The Shins. I think the lyrics make this one a bonus quarantine song.

10. Finally, any playlist about being strong during tough times needs a survival song: Destiny's Child: "Survivor"