Expectations During and After Labor

While talking with a pregnant friend, it again occurred to me that as new mothers, we are often expected to do certain things and to behave in a certain way. Sure, people won't typically go out and demand that you behave in a particular manner, but I feel that there are certain expectations. For instance, a lot of people are offended if a new mother doesn't breastfeed. Similarly, some people seem to be insulted if a mother isn't using cloth diapers, making homemade baby food, opting for all vaccinations on time, fitting their baby's life to the "appropriate" sleeping and eating schedule, and wearing the little one in a hip sling. Another latest trend in some of the mom blogs I've seen appears to be natural home births or hiring midwives and doulas as opposed to visiting your local OB/GYN.

While scrolling through mom blogs, I often come across mothers who also like to sign off with all sorts of crazy acronyms showing off their epic motherly lifestyle. (This always makes me feel like I'm back to teaching in the public school, where PDP, IEP, NCLB, PBIS, etc. are all commonly used.) These mothers are using phrases like EBF ("exclusively breastfeeding", if you're new to the mom blogosphere) among other crazy ones that I don't know. (I swear I saw "R2D2" in one tagline...what? Is your child a Star Wars fan or something?) Still, all of these mom blogs seem to have one thing in common: judgement!

On one blog, two moms were bickering about epidurals. One of the moms insisted that she was the better mother because she chose to have a natural birth at home sans drugs; the other insisted that hers was an especially difficult labor and that she relied on an epidural just to get through it. Watching these mothers go back and forth made me feel torn. Part of me felt like laughing at how people are so quick to judge online when they can wear the cloak of anonymity and know nothing of each others' situations. The other part of me felt sad. Instead of giving each other much-needed support during their new adventures into motherhood, these women felt that it was more important to argue about who was the "better" mom, based on random, ridiculous criteria.

I've been fortunate. I was blessed with a complication-free pregnancy and (though incredibly long) problem-free labor. Those contractions hurt like crazy, but I knew I didn't want an epidural, and I was able to get through without intervention. That's not the case for many pregnancies. I've read that as many as 1/3 of births end up in C-sections, and a large percentage of those are unplanned. Pregnancy and labor are very intense, body-altering events, and it's no surprise that complications occur. That being said, there is no reason to judge one mother for her decision to go through labor in her own way.

The same goes for any number of other of the latest baby trends. I breastfeed because it just works best for my son and me. It's not the best option for everybody, but I knew I wanted to try it and that it would be an affordable and healthy option for our little family. It was hard work at first, but, like most things, practice makes perfect. Now my son and I are an awesome breastfeeding team, and lately we're starting to integrate baby food (some homemade, some store-bought) into his diet, as well. Diapers are another one. Sure, I like the idea of using cloth diapers, and I think that it's a great way for babies to contribute in their own tiny way to saving the planet, but it just didn't work out for me. My son wanted my attention all the time, especially in his first few months, and I just didn't have a free minute between my online job (which conveniently began just 2 weeks postpartum) to wash out the cloths and to take on the extra laundry burden. I suppose if I was really motivated, I could have put in the time, but it just wasn't a top shelf priority for me. Scheduling is a huge item, as well. There are about 100,000 (I might be exaggerating, but I really don't think I am) books and blogs about how to put your baby on the "correct" sleep schedule. I've heard that the baby should sleep more during the day, less during the day, nap at the same times during the day, nap when he wants to, go to sleep before 7pm, never go to sleep until after 9pm, be snuggled and cuddled to sleep, be fed before bed, be forced to cry himself to sleep, etc., etc. All the information on that topic contradicts each other and it's all a matter of what works best for you and your baby.

People (mostly mothers, and particularly old-fashioned mothers of another era- though if you talk to these women long enough, you will hear of a time when formula was all the rage and disposable diapers were a futuristic dream) will tell you what you should do- during your pregnancy and labor, as well as when it comes to raising your child. Take the information that you can use and toss out the rest. Even from the very start, there's no one right way to raise a baby. My husband and I do what's best for us. Yes, we do read to him every day. No, we don't let him "cry it out". Yes, we do share a bedroom with the little guy, but, no, we didn't feel comfortable sharing the bed itself. We don't have a strict schedule and we don't try to control his sleeping and feeding times. We don't obsessively track his milestones, but we do excitedly take photos when he does something new! We encourage independence by letting him explore and play on his own (when he'll tolerate it). We try different things and stick with them when they seem to work. Every day is a learning experience, and I think that that's the way it's supposed to be.